Twaddle, turkeys and whisky (of course)

It is my considered opinion that connoisseurs of any kind (wine, whisky, cheese, food, cigars, you name it) are basically much to full of themselves for their own good, and usually have an extremely inflated opinion of their own vocabulary. I can’t stand it when I read something about “a light floral nose” on a whisky, or “a sparkling almost caramel-like palate with hints of amber and burnt almonds”. What a load of pretentious twaddle. If you think that it has a nice flowery smell and tastes of caramels and roasted almonds, why not say so???



So in the interest of future readers of this blog, and to give them some idea of the level and style of writing you can expect (kindergarten playground!) here is my version of a recipe that I think is rather well known in shall we say, whisky-circles. Never mind, it is still worth a repeat.



TURKEY WITH WHISKY (OR VICE VERSA)
(Serves 6)
1 small turkey (10-12 pounds)
1 bottle of whisky – preferably Scottish single malt
Salt
Pepper
Oliveoil
Strips of fatty bacon



The turkey is covered with bacon strips. They can be fastened with cooking pins or tied with cotton string. Pour a little olive-oil on the turkey and sprinkle with salt and pepper.



Turn on the oven (200°C).



Pour yourself a glass of whisky, and drink a toast to the result of your culinary efforts. Put the turkey in a big oven-proof dish and place in it the oven.



Pour another two glasses of whisky and have another couple of toasts for the turkey. After about twensy minutes you raise the temperature in the oven to 250°C to make sure the bird gets a thorough going over.



Then you pour another three glasses of wissy and drinks dem. After about half an h-h-hour you have tsu turn the blo-ho-dy bird. Remember tsu keep and heye on it all tse time.



Tsen you grap, grab, grabp goddammit, tse wissybottle and have another wun. After abo-hout anudder half aan-hour you walk vehery schchlo-howly towarchts ze uven, oven, whatever and turn it over. The bird, not ze uvven you twit!!! But watschst it!!! Its hotzch!



Andzenyougrahabanudderfihiveorseeevenwipskys while ze kurtey, turkry, kyrtu,oh for Gods scjakes, the blohody birds friesss away for anudder zree or fo-hour aaahours. (Who cares, it dossnt make anny difrence anyway!).



Zhen yuu haf tsu crawl to ze uvven and sry to get ze fuuucking BOID OUT!!!



Take anuzzer zihip ann sry to gedid out AGAIN!!!



Pick ze blooooody tweedy boid up frohom ze flooooorf an, an, an, an srow id on a scherwing disssch. Be cairfful not tsu schlep in ze ovivl, olivlvl, OLIVE OLIE!!! on da flo-o-o-o-orr!



Get up you dwunken buzzard, bastard, waddever Yii-piii!!



Eat the bird cold the next day with mayo and plenty of Aspirin.

A drink fit for the gods

Ever since my first trip to Scotland at the tender age of 17, I have had a weakness for the golden drops of the water of life, or whisky if you like. Since then I have tried to taste as many as possible - not just the socttish ones, but Australian, French, Japanese, Swedish and countless others. And one dark and dreary night I suddenly realized that other whisky afficionados might benefit, if not from my wisdom, then at least from my tasting - so here goes. Dewar Rattray Cask Collection Sherry Cask no. 1143 - 573 bottles 17 years single malt, distilled April 30. 1990 Balblair Distillery, Cask Strenght, bottled November 20. 2007 Un-chill filtered 62,4% Now this is a good and potent dram! I am quite certain you could run a starship on this. The colour is a beatiful amber - enough to bring tears to the eyes of any Scotsman. I've tried it with and without water, but in both cases it is a whisky to be treated with some care. Without water it has a rather weak sherry-like aroma with hints of caramel. The taste is powerful and warming, and the finish goes on for hours. It is actually so strong you can hardly taste it, but there is definitely some sherry and caramel and a touch of TNT. If you add some water things starts to calm down, and suddenly a Spanish citrus grove starts to make its presence felt. Here be lemons and oranges - and perhaps some abricots somewhere in the background - something sweet anyway, dates perhaps. It is still powerful, but its quite an experience because you can now really appreaciate the very complex taste. When your tastebuds have gathered themselves from the initial chock you start to register melons and more caramel and a faint touch of licorice, like someone has just carried an open tin of licorice through your living-room and past your chair. The fire is out though, there is no trace of smoke anywhere. All in all a great and powerful whisky with an interesting and complex taste - but almost to powerful to handle. Don't start your friends off on this one, if they are new to whisky. It will knock them out of their seats. Keep it for a couple of years, and then bring it out on a chilly autumn evening after af brisk walk in the woods. Then it will be priceless!