Twaddle, turkeys and whisky (of course)

It is my considered opinion that connoisseurs of any kind (wine, whisky, cheese, food, cigars, you name it) are basically much to full of themselves for their own good, and usually have an extremely inflated opinion of their own vocabulary. I can’t stand it when I read something about “a light floral nose” on a whisky, or “a sparkling almost caramel-like palate with hints of amber and burnt almonds”. What a load of pretentious twaddle. If you think that it has a nice flowery smell and tastes of caramels and roasted almonds, why not say so???



So in the interest of future readers of this blog, and to give them some idea of the level and style of writing you can expect (kindergarten playground!) here is my version of a recipe that I think is rather well known in shall we say, whisky-circles. Never mind, it is still worth a repeat.



TURKEY WITH WHISKY (OR VICE VERSA)
(Serves 6)
1 small turkey (10-12 pounds)
1 bottle of whisky – preferably Scottish single malt
Salt
Pepper
Oliveoil
Strips of fatty bacon



The turkey is covered with bacon strips. They can be fastened with cooking pins or tied with cotton string. Pour a little olive-oil on the turkey and sprinkle with salt and pepper.



Turn on the oven (200°C).



Pour yourself a glass of whisky, and drink a toast to the result of your culinary efforts. Put the turkey in a big oven-proof dish and place in it the oven.



Pour another two glasses of whisky and have another couple of toasts for the turkey. After about twensy minutes you raise the temperature in the oven to 250°C to make sure the bird gets a thorough going over.



Then you pour another three glasses of wissy and drinks dem. After about half an h-h-hour you have tsu turn the blo-ho-dy bird. Remember tsu keep and heye on it all tse time.



Tsen you grap, grab, grabp goddammit, tse wissybottle and have another wun. After abo-hout anudder half aan-hour you walk vehery schchlo-howly towarchts ze uven, oven, whatever and turn it over. The bird, not ze uvven you twit!!! But watschst it!!! Its hotzch!



Andzenyougrahabanudderfihiveorseeevenwipskys while ze kurtey, turkry, kyrtu,oh for Gods scjakes, the blohody birds friesss away for anudder zree or fo-hour aaahours. (Who cares, it dossnt make anny difrence anyway!).



Zhen yuu haf tsu crawl to ze uvven and sry to get ze fuuucking BOID OUT!!!



Take anuzzer zihip ann sry to gedid out AGAIN!!!



Pick ze blooooody tweedy boid up frohom ze flooooorf an, an, an, an srow id on a scherwing disssch. Be cairfful not tsu schlep in ze ovivl, olivlvl, OLIVE OLIE!!! on da flo-o-o-o-orr!



Get up you dwunken buzzard, bastard, waddever Yii-piii!!



Eat the bird cold the next day with mayo and plenty of Aspirin.